I have anxiety, I live with depression...and I am exhausted of hiding my journey

6:30am — I wake up, roll out of bed and take my Desvenlafaxine. It’s my third depression and anxiety medication since having Ky last year. 500 days….Sertraline, Venlafaxine, Desvenlafaxine. Before that it was Lexapro.

I’ve been on this journey long before I had my third child but for some reason the hormones have just been off since having our third. The medications that used to work now seem to fluctuate in their efficiency. I start another medication and it works for a while, but before long I find my hormones shifting again and the side effects begin to take their hold on me. The foggy haze that overtakes my mind. The feeling that I am floating 10-feet above my body at random times during the day. The feeling that I am an empty shell of a human being (no laughing, no crying…I’m just there).

I hate all these feelings (if you could call them that) but I hate the depression and anxiety that overtakes me more.

My depression (and anxiety) is not the kind with deep wants to hurt myself. It is a journey of overwhelming feeling of emotion I can not control.

  • Fear of failing

  • Fear of large groups

  • Crippling fear of putting myself out there

  • Crippling fear of crowded areas

  • Fear of not being part of the group (yes, at 34-years old this is still a worry)

  • Fear of making friends

  • Fear of not being able to get it all done

  • Fear of not being a good mother to my children because of my depression and anxiety struggles

  • A want to isolate myself within the safety of my bubble

  • An extreme fear of forced conversations and awkward silences

  • Fear of photos

  • A fear of people thinking I am coming off as awkward

….I could go on an on. These are just the ones that stand out. It’s curbed and assisted with the help of medicine but there are just days that medicine can not control the surge of whatever is happening in my brain at that moment…

The fake front:

Fake it until you make it, right? At least that’s what society screams at us. We are taught from a young age that weakness is not allowed. We may not say it outright to our kids but they live in a society that shows them this daily. We live in a world of Instagram perfect lives, perfect family photos on Facebook. No one shows the good, the bad and the ugly…They only show the good (because people roll their eyes at the bad or scroll past it). We live in a society that looks poorly on those who suffer from depression. Anxiety is given a “get over it and do your job” mindset. Frankly, it’s also this mindset that spills over into the prescription drug epidemic but that’s another story altogether. I’ve faked it for years and all I’ve found is that I’m exhausted.

Friends are hard to come by:

I’ve hidden my battle for years. I’ve been embarrassed or just don’t want to put my problems on other people. Unfortunately for me, because of this my mannerisms often come off as awkward or forced. I have extreme troubles relating to people because my mind is screaming “I just want to go home”…my safety net. My dry sense of humor and sarcasm is an attempt to cover up the daily struggles of my mind screaming RUN. My husband has pushed me to get out over the years, to make friends, to put myself out there. I know he means well and I don’t disagree that he is right, but the added stress of hiding my inadequacies make it hard to connect with people on a deeper level. I’m exhausted of hiding this battle from people…I cry as I write this because it’s truly a freeing moment releasing this pain.

The stigma:

We hide. Most of those who have depression and anxiety hide their journeys. Yes, I force myself out of bed daily, put my big girl panties on and make myself get through the day. Some days are better than others. Some days are crippling. But because I hide, I start the day with added baggage. How can someone with depression or anxiety get better when they start every…single…day hiding their struggles from society? The truth is, they can’t. They start the day fighting an uphill battle this way.

I just need your presence:

I’m sure as people find this blog (and as the SEO catches up on Google) people will all have their own opinions, or have ideas on how to better the situation. I just need your love and support. I have Jesus and prayer, I have essential oils, I have Vitamin D and I have therapy….Frankly, I didn’t write this blog to hear what works for you, or what worked for a friend of a friend. I don’t need homeopathic suggestions and I’ve tried exercise endorphins and a healthy lifestyle. You don’t need to feel bad for me, or sorry for me. I wrote it as a freeing moment in my journey with anxiety and depression. I wrote this so that other people in similar situations know they are not alone. I wrote this to raise awareness to a disease that is often swept under the rug. Everyones journey is different. I just need your love, your understanding, your presence and sometimes a little grace.